The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.
The Slug
July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Sunday, February 19, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th February 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Edgar Allen Poe and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The number 15 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 61 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Edgar Allen Poe and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The number 15 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 61 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, February 12, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th February 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Sunday night you will dream of being Andy Griffith. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Sunday night you will dream of being Andy Griffith. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Monday, February 6, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th February 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you George Clooney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 76 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you George Clooney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.
The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 76 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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