Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th February 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Newt Gingrich and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Saturday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. On Friday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.