Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th February 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Edgar Allen Poe and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Tuesday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The number 15 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Ben Franklin and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Hook up with an Octopus on Tuesday if you want to see a good time that doesn't involve ambulances.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. On Sunday, the color blue, the number 61 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.