Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th February 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you George Clooney in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th
Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Wednesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A pretty young woman connected to the number 76 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.