Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th February 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Wednesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Hold a dinner party on Saturday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! On Sunday night you will dream of being Andy Griffith. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th
You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Monday. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.