Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Monday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Friday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Friday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Wednesday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. You will come to the defense of a Barnacle this week when a common friend insults them for "not being a true Mollusk".

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Arthur Ashe. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.