Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 18th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. A man connected with the number 21 will potentially have a healing effect on your 'little problem' that's been bothering you. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Saturday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 33. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Something about the number 68 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Want some advice? Trying to be popular is never going to work. An alternative solution would be to crawl under a large rock and stay there. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Abraham Lincoln in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Thursday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.