Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Monday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. The number 13 will be a powerful omen for you this Saturday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Get out and enjoy life on Sunday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A man connected with the number 45 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Saturday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Monday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. On Tuesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Don't leave your house on Monday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.