Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th September 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Friday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Wednesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Saturday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
On Thursday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Wednesday, and when connected to the number 78, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Friday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. In a parallel universe you were born as Darth Vader. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Sunday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Indecision will be your undoing this week. You will say yes, only to then say no. You say will 'large iced latte' only to change your mind to a 'small Americano'. You will say 'I do' only to then have second thoughts and run out the church. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Try relaxing on Wednesday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.