The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Jane Austen will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing pink Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Ernest Hemingway and Tiger Woods.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Sunday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Tuesday this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug
July 26th
Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Hanging out with a Scallop on Wednesday might gain you some attention as you bask in the aura of Mr/Mrs Popular. However, they will hate you for this unwanted association and your evening may well end with the threat of extreme physical violence.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Something about the number 65 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Wednesday will keep your mind occupied. Look yourself in the mirror on Monday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. When you and a Limpet get together on Wednesday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Sunday, October 29, 2017
Sunday, October 22, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd October 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Rick Perry, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Elizabeth Taylor, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Sunday who looks at all like Rick Perry, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Wednesday. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Get out and enjoy life on Friday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Friday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Saturday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Elizabeth Taylor, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.
Sunday, October 15, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th October 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 66 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. There is a Clam on the war-path, and that Clam is heading your way. Make like a dead whale, and play dead.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 66 will have special significance on Wednesday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Hold a dinner party on Monday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
You have dandruff, do something about it! If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Monday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Tuesday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.
Sunday, October 8, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th October 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear white on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Neil Armstrong. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mozart in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will bump into a Mussel on Sunday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Should you wear white on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Neil Armstrong. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A Squid in need is a Squid indeed. This is the week to hang out with your Squid buddy and see what pops out of the toaster.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you make an appointment on Thursday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mozart in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
Sunday, October 1, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd October 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Sunday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!
The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. You have dandruff, do something about it! Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Mary Tyler Moore, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't look behind you, instead concentrate on what lies ahead. The road that takes you on the longest path is the road that will not take you on the shortest path. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.
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