The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like John Candy will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug
July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Plato. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Phil Donahue, You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Jimmy Conners, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Madonna a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.
Sunday, November 26, 2017
Sunday, November 19, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th November 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The number 97 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Magic Johnson will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like James Taylor. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Newt Gingrich at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 52 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
The number 97 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Magic Johnson will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like James Taylor. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Newt Gingrich at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 52 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
Monday, November 13, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th November 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dick Van Dyke. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dick Van Dyke. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
Sunday, November 5, 2017
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th November 2017
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Walt Disney. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A man connected with the number 16 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Friday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Monday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You might know of a Slug who is in trouble this week. But as they are a Slug, you probably won't want to help them.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Thursday this week. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Look yourself in the mirror on Sunday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Sunday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Walt Disney. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? A man connected with the number 16 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.
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