Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th November 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The number 97 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Magic Johnson will shower you with unusual gifts on Sunday. This will only happen though if you are wearing black Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get out and enjoy life on Saturday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like James Taylor. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Newt Gingrich at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 52 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Saturday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.