Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th November 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like John Candy will shower you with unusual gifts on Friday. This will only happen though if you are wearing white If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Jim Carrey, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th
You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Plato. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Phil Donahue, You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Jimmy Conners, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Madonna a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.