Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th November 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Thursday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Dick Van Dyke. Does this matter? Only time will tell. You have been thinking recently, 'is this the best I can do?'. The answer, sadly, is 'yes'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The letters F, Y, and K will all be very important to you this week, especially in conjunction with a Scallop wearing orange. Be especially cautious if they offer you a hot-dog, but don't offer you any mustard.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.