Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 25th December 2017

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Sunday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Tuesday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you believe in the old addage 'you are what you eat', then you should bear in mind that you eat an awful lot of complete garbage. Tuesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. On Saturday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Hold a dinner party on Tuesday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.