The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail
February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.
The Limpet
March 10th - May 1st
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam
May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.
The Squid
June 3rd - July 25th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug
July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.
The Oyster
July 27th - August 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop
August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus
October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel
October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
Sunday, April 29, 2018
Sunday, April 22, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 23rd April 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 45 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like William F. Buckley, Jr.. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Ray Charles, If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The number 45 will be a powerful omen for you this Wednesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like William F. Buckley, Jr.. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. On Tuesday, walk into the nearest bar after you have finished work and find a friendly Scallop to talk to. If you do not know anyone there, then so much the better.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. Take a trip to your local art gallery and prepare to be moved by an unusual pasta-based sculpture.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Ray Charles, If you see anybody this week who looks like Peter Jennings, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Monday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.
The Slug July 26th
Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. Days to avoid this week include Thursday, Saturday and Sunday. Also Monday might be bad and Friday has an outside chance of being a miserable day. Wednesday is not looking too good either. But Tuesday will be ok...except if you have to talk to anyone in which case it will be a very bad day indeed. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. On Wednesday, your day will be swiftly ruined by an odious Slug that you know. You can't prevent what they are going to do, the only thing you can do is feel a small degree of satisfaction when you sue them for every penny they've got.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color blue. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Your friends will tell you that you have to make up your mind regarding your big problem. They will tell you that you must sink or swim. Remember though,that there is a third option. Try to achieve a state of neutral buoyancy. The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.
Sunday, April 15, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th April 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
The number 5 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Michael Landon and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? In a parallel universe you were born as Arthur Ashe. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not John Travolta at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
The number 5 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Michael Landon and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? In a parallel universe you were born as Arthur Ashe. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.
The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not John Travolta at all.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
Monday, April 9, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th April 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. In a parallel universe you were born as Mark Twain. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. In a parallel universe you were born as Mark Twain. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.
The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
Sunday, April 1, 2018
Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd April 2018
The Barnacle
December 2nd - February 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mohammad Ali and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mary Tyler Moore in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 71, the color red and someone who has a connection to Neil Armstrong will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Carl Sagan driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Jim Carrey, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. The number 2 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mohammad Ali and Tiger Woods.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mary Tyler Moore in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 71, the color red and someone who has a connection to Neil Armstrong will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Carl Sagan driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Jim Carrey, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. The number 2 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.
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