Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why will the color blue be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Sunday. Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Tuesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Saturday this week. If you make an appointment on Friday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th
Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Saturday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.