Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd April 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Mohammad Ali and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Take the time to make some sense of what you want to say. And cast your words away upon the waves. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Wednesday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Saturday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mary Tyler Moore in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Get out and enjoy life on Monday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. If you make an appointment on Sunday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. You will be very popular this week and will receive lots of mail. Oh, actually they are all overdue bills as you have forgot to pay off your utility bills...you idiot.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 71, the color red and someone who has a connection to Neil Armstrong will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Carl Sagan driving a orange car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. A Clam that you know will try to kill you this week. Well maybe they are just plotting the act at this stage. Actually, they might only be thinking about it. On second thoughts, it's more of a vague intention. So don't worry about it too much. Just be careful around them if they are holding any sharp objects.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you see anybody this week who looks like Jim Carrey, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. The number 2 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Thursday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.