Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th April 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This is a great week for trying something completely new such as listening to jazz, ballroom dancing, or invading a neighboring country. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A Limpet you know well, a new carpet, and a weak bladder will combine with tragic consequences this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. You will bump into a Mussel on Tuesday. They will not know you, and you will not know them. You will not talk to them, and they will not talk to you. But it is a meeting of profound importance to your life and career.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. In a parallel universe you were born as Mark Twain. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Get out and enjoy life on Thursday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Monday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Michael Landon, Eat well, sleep well, and make sure you put the cat out because you will need a lot of energy to get through this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color yellow be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Tuesday. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. Try relaxing on Monday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.