Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th April 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
The number 5 will have special significance on Saturday, but sadly you will never realize just what that significance is, and so it will all be a bit wasted on you. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Michael Landon and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? In a parallel universe you were born as Arthur Ashe. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A man connected with the number 36 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
You might want to take a second look in the mirror at some point this week...just to confirm that you really are that ugly. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like. There is an elephant in the room. You are the elephant.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Wednesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not John Travolta at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. When you and a Limpet get together on Saturday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.