Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 14th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
A man connected with the number 87 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 39 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Wednesday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. A pretty young woman connected to the number 65 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. You are not Louis Pasteur, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Your friends are being spoons, when all you need is a fork. But being ironic doesn't befit you. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. Why do you try so hard, when everything you do fails?

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Mozart in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Wednesday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.