Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 28th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Wednesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Ben Franklin will shower you with unusual gifts on Monday. This will only happen though if you are wearing orange Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Sunday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Sunday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 84 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 94. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Sunday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. Should you wear white on Monday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.