Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 21st May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Your enemies might tell you that you are not a proper mollusk this week, i.e. that you don't belong in society. Ignore them and you will be more of a mollusk than they could ever be.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. Ever been on holiday with a Scallop before? They'll buy you a lot of drinks but they'll expect certain favors in return. You might not like the sound - or the smell - of those favors.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Friday this week. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th
Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure. You may be feeling down. You may be feeling that nothing good ever happens to you. But don't worry. Just remember, that 99.9% of the rest of the population are much happier than you. So at least it all balances out! You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Spider Man, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.