Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 7th May 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. On Wednesday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Andy Rooney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. This is a good time in your life to focus on the things that you really, really, want. Especially if those things involve eggs, cheese, or other dairy products.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Thursday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 33 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Monday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th
A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? Be careful what you choose to eat this week...there is a lot of food poisoning about.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Susan B. Anthony then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
The color orange will be very important to you this week. Especially on Tuesday, and when connected to the number 63, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.