Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Something involving the color blue will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. On Monday you will meet an Octopus who will want to punch your lights out. Did you sleep with their partner behind their back? Only you - or the police - will be able to answer that.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 41, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Alexander Graham Bell will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Thursday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. The number 18 will be a powerful omen for you this Friday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. On Monday, the number 19 will signify bad news. Really. Bad. News.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Eat, drink, and be merry. But not if you are driving or are a recovering alcoholic. In which case you should just eat. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.