Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Sunday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A man connected with the number 74 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like George Carlin. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Sunday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. In a parallel universe you were born as Benny Goodman. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Wednesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. The sound of thunder will hang over you until you can put a smile on your face. As you are one of the most miserable people around, this may not be easy.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A distantly-related Octopus will offer an interesting opportunity to you this week. Whether to accept that offer will depend heavily on a) whether you trust your wife and b) how quickly you are prepared to learn Korean.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.