Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st December 2018

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. A hairy man (or woman) will provide you with a bristly problem this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 83 feet, but no more than a mile. Don't leave your house on Saturday afternoon, disaster lurks if you step outside. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? You've always had two secret role models, but up till now they were so secret you didn't know who they were. Let the truth be revealed, for you secretly covet Robin Williams and Tiger Woods.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like John Candy, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Avoid the number 72 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". A pretty young woman connected to the number 40 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. Bless your Barnacles, for a Barnacle will come to save the day for you on Tuesday. You would have never guessed that peanut butter would prove so useful.

The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Get some attention this week by wearing 7 items of clothing on Monday, and then remove an item each day

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Sunday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.