Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. You may have heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a light bulb?', but have you heard of the question 'How many Limpets does it take to change a pacemaker?'. You will this week.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You've always wanted to try drinking a pint of raw eggs...now is the time to try. There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Dick Van Dyke will shower you with unusual gifts on Wednesday. This will only happen though if you are wearing green If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th
The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You will go to an auction on Sunday. You will pay too much for something that you won't be able to sell and which you will take an instant disliking too the moment after you buy it. You are an idiot. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. You are starting to tire of a colleague's constant profanity in the workplace. It would be great if they were to 'accidentally' be punched in the throat. Well one can dream.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Avoid the number 43 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! There is a Squid that you really like. There is a Squid that really likes you. Unfortunately they are half your age and live on the other side of the world.