Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 11th May 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A man connected with the number 20 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Augustus Caesar. Does this matter? Only time will tell. The number 53 will be a powerful omen for you this Tuesday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Get out and enjoy life on Wednesday, and if you happen to spot a little Scallop who is in need of a good time then so much the better. But remember: Clams and Scallops, good. Clams and Scallops and alcohol, bad.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th
In your hour of need, an Oyster that you know will have all the answers to your problems this week. However, they are not going to tell you any of the answers. In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Have you ever truly been happy? Probably not.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Take extra special care on Wednesday because your life might be changed forever by a chance encounter with a Clam. The Clam will demand one of the following: money, sex, or citrus fruit. If you can meet their demands, then things will work out well for you. If you can't, then you will spend the rest of your life regretting it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Terry Bradshaw, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. Beware, Clams are plotting against you! And even if they are not actually plotting, they are probably thinking about plotting. And even if they are not thinking, they will be.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. When you and a Limpet get together on Friday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.