Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th April 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Billy Crystal in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous fisherman once noted that while five fish will always feed a family of four, four fish might not feed a family of five. These words will have special meaning for you this week. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color yellow. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Thursday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th
A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. Your miserable existence will take a further turn for the worse this week, so be prepared to sink to new lows.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Saturday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. Friday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.