Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 1st June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Avoid photographs this week if you think that your illicit affair may be caught on camera. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Wednesday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th
Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again! It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Wednesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? Look yourself in the mirror on Thursday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. A stupid Clam friend that you know will prove very bothersome on Friday. Just ignore them. Unless they start removing clothes in which case you should just run away.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There is a 32% probability that someone who looks like Rick Santorum will shower you with unusual gifts on Thursday. This will only happen though if you are wearing purple Saturday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Friday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.