Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th June 2020

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. When a Barnacle and a Mussel get together, it's a bit like adding treacle to a slow burning fire. You have been warned.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Get your friends to form a circle around you, then they can clap and cheer at your brilliance.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th
You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
There is no difference between what you can do and what you think you can do. The only difference is in your mind, or what you think is in your mind. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Elvis Presley. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Wake up at 3:00 AM on Saturday to remind yourself why it's such a bad idea to get up at 3:00 AM.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Thursday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.