Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 31st May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Avoid the number 68 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Should you wear red on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Thursday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. On Wednesday, the color blue, the number 84 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Willey Mays, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Should you wear purple on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 4th May 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? On a good day, a Barnacle and a Clam can be as an effective a double act as Aristotle and Tiger Woods.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Thursday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Love is all around you this week. You will feel it in your fingers. You will feel it in your toes. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Wednesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. Should you find yourself in a casino this week, then the number 83 might be the key to a little financial surprise (the surprise might involve the words 'your credit card is no longer valid' so be careful). You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. Squids are all around you this week. Try not to get smothered in their tentacles. One Squid in particular will try to make romantic advances towards you. If you can't smell their hideous body odor, then you are a perfect match. If you can, then you are not.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

On Thursday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You know which way is north and that ain't no lie. Use this information to your advantage on Tuesday when a navigationally-challenged colleague will seek your guidance.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.