It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Should you wear red on Tuesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Sunday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Saturday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Monday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You may have heard the old sailor's expression 'you can never fail with a Snail'...but you do know that there is an exception to every rule right? Walk very carefully on Thursday when said Snail will try to take you somewhere that a Clam should never go.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. On Wednesday, the color blue, the number 84 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. A few things to avoid this week if you know what's good for you: cold tea, hot milk, three-legged animals, North Dakota, and books with the word 'fun' in their title. You will find yourself in one of those situations where time is of the essence this week. However, a portly Barnacle involved in a roller-skating experiment is going to ensure that your scheduling goes out the window.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Are you a lion or a mouse? Now is the time to nail your colors to the flag and decide whether you can squeak or roar. Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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