Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Saturday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. A Squid will get in your way this week. If you are in a car, then it is fine to run them down.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. Get your creative juices flowing and write a poem about your favorite cheese.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Friday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Willey Mays, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Tuesday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Wednesday afternoon (about 3:15) is the time for making a big decision about your life. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. Your sex-life could be greatly improved by judicious use of peanut butter this week. Naturally, 'Crunchy' would be better than 'Smooth'.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Wednesday. It will impress a secret admirer. See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Ancient mariners used to say that spotting a whale traveling westwards on a Wednesday, meant that you would suffer a bodily discharge on Thursday. Heed these words. Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. 'Wham, bam, thank you Clam'...that might be a motto for you to learn this week as Clam-antics in the bedroom will get you all worked up.
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