If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Should you wear purple on Sunday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Beware an advance from a Limpet this week. They will cling to you like an alcoholic clings to a bottle of cheap whiskey.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Friday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual. It's a tough life being a Slug. Nobody likes you, nobody wants to be around you, and nobody can stand your personal hygiene problems. Are you just misunderstood? Actually, no. Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A man connected with the number 70 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. You will kill yourself if you arrive late for work this week so purchase 7 alarm clocks to be on the safe side.
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