A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Your romantic advances towards a business colleague will suffer a setback on Tuesday. You will soon get over rejection from this idiot. Especially, as you are still in possession of certain compromising pictures of them using a vacuum cleaner in an 'unnatural' manner.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Peter Jennings in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. You know a Clam who deserves to be punched...twice!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Doubt and uncertainty will cloud your thoughts this week. Try listening to a tall person for advice. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. If you see anybody this week who looks like Herman Cain, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.
The Slug July 26th
There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. Get the guys or girls around your place on Monday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. On Friday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Avoid the number 68 if possible on Saturday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Monday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. A portly Mussel that you work with will literally get in your way this week. You might want to tactfully suggest that the fat lump of lard should go on a diet.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A black car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Friday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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