Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Computer problems might cause you headaches this week. Best stick to using a pen and paper. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You may want to keep a fellow Clam close to your side on Thursday.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A woman bearing gifts might not be the present-carrying-female that she seems. Be wary if she (if it is a she) tries making you any toast. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Stupid is as stupid does, and as stupidity goes, a run in on Friday with a Slug will have you reaching for your gun (metaphorically). Shoot down the Slug (metaphorically speaking) before they shoot down your dreams.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Thursday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Throw yourself into the (many) arms of an Octopus this week and you will find out whether what they say about an Octopus in an elevator is true.

The Slug July 26th

Just give up making any sort of plans this week. They will all fail so best stay in bed. Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Arthur Ashe, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Ever get stuck in an elevator with a Barnacle? Well be prepared for that eventuality on Wednesday. Also be prepared for a very bad body odor problem.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Monday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Henry A. Kissinger, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. A female Mussel friend will give you something very precious this week, try not to blow the moment by commenting on her oversized rear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 20th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. Time to get it on with someone this week. It only really matters if they have a pulse.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Ignite your enthusiasm this week by planning a trip, but avoid buses, trains, and planes as these might bring you danger. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You will see someone this week who looks suspiciously like Mary Tyler Moore. This will have no bearing on your life whatsoever. Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Sunday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends will gather closely around you this week, so please take steps to lessen your foul odor. In a week where everything that can go wrong, will go wrong, you just have to accept that this is largely your fault. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. You might be familiar with the saying that 'you cannot buy success', well this might be a good week to try anyway. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Colin L. Powell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. On Friday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. Don't take no for an answer, especially when rancid dairy products are involved. Tell a loved one that you are going to take up base jumping. You're not going to do this of course, but it's good to keep people on their toes.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

There may be times this week when you will wonder if you will ever make it to Friday unscathed. If you survive until Thursday evening, then you will be fine. In a parallel universe you were born as Thomas Edison. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 13th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take a deep breath and think to yourself 'Is this really who I am?'. If the answer is 'no', then be afraid, very afraid. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Something involving the color white will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Tuesday.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Are olives really 'the Devil's grape'? This is the week where you will find out. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like General Norman Schwarzkopf, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Invite a Clam to dinner this week on Saturday. This will be the one day that they can't make, so easy brownie points for you!

The Slug July 26th

One more week on the planet, means another week of learning and discovery; it also means that you're one week closer to your death. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

The number 21 will be a powerful omen for you this Sunday, but only if you are in the possession of some dried fruit. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Mahatma Gandhi, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? They say that 'you are what you eat'. But what if you are a cannibal and ate someone famous...would you become that person? You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Jesse Jackson a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 6th September 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. This is the week where you will need an Oyster by your side, but there will be none to be found. If you get desperate then try searching at either a bar, brothel, or baptism ceremony. These are all natural haunts for the Oyster.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Do you want to feel like crap every morning? If the answer is no, then try eating walnuts before bedtime. Should you wear pink on Thursday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Wednesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color orange. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Thursday. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you put a Clam and an Octopus together, it is a bit like Laurel and Hardy. There will be much stupidity and much clumsiness. There will also be a lot of pain.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.

The Slug July 26th

Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. To be on the safe side, arrive 5 hours early for your special work meeting this week.