Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 29th November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 99, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Thomas Edison will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you see anybody this week who looks like Albert Einstein, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Should you wear white on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22nd November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.

The Slug July 26th

You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 81, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Gloria Steinem will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Norman Rockwell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michelle Bachman, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 15th November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. On Monday, the color purple, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.

The Slug July 26th

With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 41, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 8th November 2021

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.

The Slug July 26th

Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 15. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Peyton Manning, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Peter Jennings, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.