The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Why will the color black be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Allergies might prove bothersome this week, especially if you work on a farm or are allergic to milk. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
Try to spend one day this week in silence. Communicate only with gestures or bodily odors. Is there a ray of light at the end of the tunnel? A chance meeting on Tuesday with a gynecologist might provide some answers. There is an old saying that goes something like this: 'A Clam, a Clam, a Clam! All I need is a Clam...but a Barnacle might be ok as well'. Heed this warning on Monday.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A pet or other animal that is close to you will cause problems this week. Avoid all animals if possible. This week you will be tired. Tired of work. Tired of family and friends. Tired of life. However, you will sleep soundly. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Too many cooks spoil the broth, but if you are making the broth, then you will spoil it all by yourself.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 15. They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Monday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Belief is the key to your problems this week. Belief in the power of a burning flame. Belief in the strength that can only come from catching three green lights in a row. Belief in the proverb that 'Even a lost penguin will find its way home'. It's time to believe. This week you may take any life-threatening actions that come your way. But whatever you do, go easy on the chili sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Peyton Manning, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. Given the choice, you might think that you would have preferred to be born as Peter Jennings, but the reality is that you would end up spending a lot more money on lubrication products.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.
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