You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A famous sailor once remarked that 'A beached whale is like a boy urinating in a church at a wedding. It doesn't look good, it doesn't smell good, and everyone pretends not to notice, even though they are secretly annoyed. Don't be that beached whale. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. You have a few personal problems at the moment and you might feel that you should turn to a colleague for advice. But asking a Slug for advice is like stepping into a bath full of kerosene and then lighting a firework.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Thursday night get-together.
The Slug July 26th
You have tried so hard, and accomplished so little. Now is the time to give up. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week. Things will be mostly crap for you this week, but on the plus side of things, you will already know exactly what this feels like.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Ever had to take over the controls of a plane due to an injury to the pilot? This week might provide an occasion to do just that. Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 81, the color purple and someone who has a connection to Gloria Steinem will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. This week, if you meet a Squid that looks at all like Norman Rockwell then you might be in for some fun times. If however, you meet a Squid that resembles Tiger Woods, then you will almost certainly become violently ill before the end of the week.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Sometimes it is good to try something new. Tuesday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. On Monday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
If someone should happen to comment that you look just a little bit like Michelle Bachman, then maybe it's time to consider some heavy duty cosmetic surgery. If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Friday. It will impress a secret admirer. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
On Saturday your week will take a turn for the worse when you attract the (unwanted) attentions of a born-again reincarnationist. They will try to claim you as their soul-mate. You should run away. You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Monday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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