Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 99, the color pink and someone who has a connection to Thomas Edison will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. Are you happy? Are you sad? Are you content? Are you restless? The answers to 3 of these questions will not be revealed this week. No, no, no, no, no, no, no! Don't give in to the idiots who are wrong.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
If you see anybody this week who looks like Albert Einstein, you should immediately ask them for the time, but only if their watch is on their right wrist. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Think of a beautiful day where you are happy and carefree. Now think of a fat and sweaty Mussel that you know. They will ruin said beautiful day and an unpleasant bout of flatulence will almost certainly be the cause.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Nobody seems to recognize your genius. You are a jumbo shrimp in a sea of Clams. Should you wear white on Friday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Sometimes you will try hard to avoid them, you will try your best to pass them by in the street or workplace. But on Tuesday there is no escape. You will have to go toe-to-toe with an Octopus. Make sure you have an adequate supply of breath mints.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Life is good at the moment, so be careful not to ruin it all becoming addicted to gambling. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.
The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. You will be followed about by a bad smell everywhere that you go this week. This is not much of a mystery, the smell is you. Improve your popularity this week by a) not saying anything to anyone and b) wearing a bag over your head.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
If you wear too much make-up on Friday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the sort of crazy week where you should try to do the exact opposite of what everyone tries to tell you to do. One exception to this would be if anyone tells you to do the opposite of what you would normally do. Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Sailors would sometimes avoid wearing the color purple. They would rather a dolphin spit at them in the eye then wear that color. Heed this advice, particularly on Saturday. A religious fanatic with a speech impediment will cause you much grief this week. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Take heed of the old sailors warning 'If you drown, you die'. What you lack in wisdom, you make up for in strength. So maybe this is a good week to settle an argument with a fist fight.
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