You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Tuesday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). Beware the old saying: 'a Squid in need is a Squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. If you see a Barnacle this week, you should probably hit them. They are always trouble.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. You are a good Mollusk, you are a trustworthy Mollusk. So why when an Oyster comes calling at your door on Wednesday will you be doubting yourself? I don't know. Do you?
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If you can get away with it, try to eat everything with a spoon on Tuesday. It will impress a secret admirer. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. You have an Octopus pal who will need of a shoulder to cry on this week. They are in the wrong, they did the wrong thing, and it will turn out all wrong, but you probably won't want to mention any of that.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. The rabbit that runs twice as fast, eats twice as slow. Don't be the rabbit that wins a race but ends up hungry. On Monday, the color purple, the number 67 and a certain little Snail that you know will all combine to create a lot of trouble for you and your pet Yak. You don't have a pet Yak yet, but that's just part of the trouble that you'll be getting into.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You will receive a call this week with fantastic news about a possible love interest. Unfortunately, it will be a wrong number.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
If you have a cat, then consider also getting a dog. If you have a dog, then consider getting a cat. If you already have a cat and a dog, then have you ever thought about owning a moose? Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. Get the guys or girls around your place on Sunday for a lurve fest.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. The color purple will be very important to you this week. Especially on Saturday, and when connected to the number 41, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why will the color orange be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. When an Oyster that you know comes around to visit you on Thursday and asks if you can help them out with a little financial problem, be very careful. Offer them drugs. Offer them sex. But do not offer them money!
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you wear too much make-up on Tuesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. You might get some advice about this week from a Scallop about which orifice is most suitable for a particular pursuit that you might try on Wednesday. Please get a second opinion from someone else before you embark on said pursuit.
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