Laughter will fill the air this week. But will it be yours? There is only one way to be sure. Rent a good comedy on DVD and watch with a friend. Even when everything is going wrong, and it will go wrong this week, just be thankful that you're not Jim Carrey, This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Eggs, or products containing eggs, are best avoided this week. Unless you are certain that they are what you want. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. This is a good time to give up something, particularly if you have an addiction to any illegal narcotics. You are not Mozart, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Now is a good time to live life in the fast lane and be daring and bold. Try wearing one less item of clothing than usual. A special number looms large in your life this week, and that number is 49. You may be asked your age this week by a close business colleague...they may be trying to get you into trouble so you should probably lie.
The Slug July 26th
With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. You have dandruff, do something about it! A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
On Tuesday you will learn the important difference between a large ukulele and a small guitar. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. How many times do you get a Mussel trying to chat you up over a drink and a hot dog? Well this is the week where a Mussel with a point to prove will try to ply you with hot dogs and beer. Just go easy on the mustard!
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. The old sailors motto of 'Kick it. Beat it. Cook it. Eat it.' may have special relevance to you this week when you will be faced with an animal that is in your way. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Why do you do what you think you should do when you don't do what you don't think that you should do? If you start reading a new book this week, but skip over every seventh page, it will lead to an unsatisfying conclusion but you will get the book read that much faster. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Even a tiny fly can stop a bullet, if its wings are made of steel. However, your wings are more likely to be made of damp cardboard, which might not be so effective. Tuesday holds a great surprise for you, unless you already know about it. You know an Octopus who is almost the perfect person. Polite, charming, attractive, and financially independent. Sadly, you chose to marry their poor, ugly, and alcoholic cousin instead.
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