Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. Watch out for a Barnacle in a hurry on Thursday. If you time it correctly, you will only end up with a small stain to show for their clumsiness. If you get your timing wrong however, you might be facing a stay in the hospital and you won't be eating solids for a long time.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? Meet up with a Squid this week for some fun and frolics...beware that alcohol and silicon-based lubricants may be involved.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. Should you wear red on Wednesday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. Whatever anyone says to you, it's not worth telling your boss about...except if you hear a rumor involving mushrooms or anti-wrinkle cream.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. You will see a Slug in trouble this week. You will not care. You are the better Mollusk.
The Slug July 26th
Everything you try to achieve ends up being surrounded in failure, perhaps you should consider early retirement? It's ok, your complete failure to achieve anything of significance in life is not entirely your fault...oh wait a minute, yes it is. Have you looked outside recently? If you have you will have noticed that it has been dull and gloomy for some time. A bit like you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. You will fall in love with a Squid on 6:45 am on Friday. By 7:15 you will realize that actually they are quite repulsive.
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
An accident involving tofu will cause you to dial the emergency services this week. Make sure that you have plenty of warmed milk to hand, and don't worry about the resulting stains. Your weight, or the weight of someone important around you, may become a discussion point this week. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
You will not meet any world leaders this week. Try to deal with this unsatisfying news by remaining calm and not attacking anyone with a sporting accessory. Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Up, up, up, up, up, up! That's the direction your life will be heading in this week (terms and conditions may apply). Tick tock, someone will be running late for a meeting with you. They are lazy fools.
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