The ship of your dreams is sailing down the river of despair. It's time to take hold of the tiller of fate, and steer yourself to the calm waters of your future. Do you go for the unhealthy burger or the healthy salad? This is the type of question that will plague you this week. The solution is to go for neither, and instead choose the poached quails eggs. If they don't have quails eggs then I guess you will go hungry. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. If there was ever a week to shut the curtains, stay in bed, and hide under the duvet like a frightened kitten, then this is the week...unless you need to go out. You generally don't get on with Barnacles, but if you meet one on Friday who looks at all like Michael Landon, then you should kiss them without hesitation.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. In a parallel universe you were born as Leonardo Da Vinci. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. Meet up with an Oyster for a fun time on Monday.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. On Thursday night you will dream of being Thomas Edison. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.
The Slug July 26th
You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Life is looking good for you this week...actually, that's not exactly true. More likely, life is looking very bad for you.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Wednesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
A cucumber, a pneumatic drill, and a skateboard. Two of these three items will not give you a major headache this week. You are a fighter, not a quitter. Don't let the bastards grind you down. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. Spend more time not talking to people and your silence will be rewarded. When you and a Limpet get together on Thursday, sparks will literally fly. That's what you get when a chance encounter with a welder goes horribly wrong.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Try relaxing on Friday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.
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