Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 30th January 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. This will be a good week for fun, festivities, and especially fashion. Let your clothes do the talking and don't skimp on the accessories. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. Embarrassment will loom rather large in your life this week as you are very likely to catch your boss in a somewhat compromising situation involving a small animal and some rubber tubing. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Monday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Smile like a bumblebee in June, and you will be rewarded for your happiness. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Make sure that you heed the old maritime warning this week: "When whales swim in threes, flatulence comes for thee". If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. It's no use gazing at the stars if your feet are stuck in the mud. Clean your boots and get your life moving forward again. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. The person that you have a secret crush on does not feel the same way about you. If they knew how you truly felt, then they would probably be violently ill. You have dandruff, do something about it!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Phil Donahue driving a green car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. You might be feeling low this week, things might not be going so well for you. There is a silver lining to your cloud of depression though. It could be worse, you could be a Slug.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 22th January 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

You may have heard of the saying 'if you can't beat them, join them', but this is a poor choice in comparison to the original nautical version of this phrase. 'If you can't beat them, then shave their beards off while they sleep'. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. When a Snail and an Oyster meet, it is a bit like finding a dead animal in your washing machine. However much you try, the smell just won't go away.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

A sailor that can't sail is not a sailor. Likewise a thinker that can't think is not a thinker. Are you a sailor or a thinker? A blue car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Wednesday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. Have you ever slept with a Barnacle and regretted it? If not, then this might be the week to try.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Mishearing the phrase 'Mass perturbation' will prove your undoing this week. Have your excuses at the ready. If there was ever a week in which you should enroll in a foreign language class, then this is the week. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. Sexual tensions will be further inflamed this week by an inappropriate use of office stationary. Make like a fox this week and be cunning. Especially when someone is out to deceive you into buying a beef-based product that you really don't need.

The Slug July 26th

Romance looms large this week. But not for you unfortunately. There is a chance that things will go well for you this week...remember though, there is also a chance that pigs might fly. If everything goes to plan this week then you will be a very happy Mollusk indeed. Chance are though, that it will fall to pieces...again!

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. This is a good week to set sail on a new voyage of discovery and adventure...unless you are feeling tired, in which case you should stay at home. Other Mollusks would say that 'one-on-one is fun', but you are an Oyster, in which case you should adhere to the 'eight-on-eight is great' school of bedroom philosophy.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. Avoid even numbers this week if possible as they will only bring you trouble. A Clam you know will offer to cook for you this week. Be careful, they might have ulterior motives, and they will certainly try spiking your food with Tabasco sauce.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Take a second look at what you are wearing. Your friends think that it is time that you burn your wardrobe. Maybe they are right? Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. You will see a Barnacle in considerable distress this week. If they are left-handed, you should step in to help, otherwise keep walking.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 16th January 2022

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Train yourself to be mentally stronger and reap the rewards. Especially on Tuesday when a chance meeting with a handsome stranger will allow you to think outside the box. You are a genius, only no-one knows it. Maybe you should try telling people. A old Snail associate will cross your path this week...very slowly. Be patient, this Snail will provide you with much needed culinary relief.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

In a year's time you might consider running a marathon or eating a Snickers bar. Either way, this week is when you should start your preparations. As the old saying goes 'You can hide a shrimp under a shell, but it's still a shrimp, just a shrimp under a shell'. Heed these words this week, especially if you have any run-ins with the police. There is a Clam that is going to do something to you this week which will annoy you greatly. But be prepared by buying a good quality stain remover ahead of time.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you should happen to bump into anyone who looks like Darth Vader, then this is a good omen. You should immediately go out and rent 'Pretty in Pink' to watch. It will change your life. 'Slow-but-steady' may be the motto of your so-called Snail 'friend'. But what if they are speeding around with you partner behind your back? Don't be heartbroken, just think of how much money they have and then think about that good old word 'blackmail'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! How can something as simple and harmless as a tube of toothpaste cause so much misery? You will find out this week. There is an Oyster in town who is looking for a good time. You can join in that good time, but be prepared to run up an substantial credit-card bill, and don't expect to see your shoes again anytime soon.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If your boss offers to take you out for a drink this week you should gently decline...unless you want to contract a 'downstairs' disease and be involved in an unpleasant (and protracted) divorce settlement. Your challenge for this week is to clear your head of all thoughts concerning sex and mustard. Tell someone that they look great this week...even if they are pig ugly.

The Slug July 26th

This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You can cry, you can weep, you can rant and rage, you can demand attention. You can do all of these things and more, but the bottom line is that maybe you deserve it.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

If you stayed in bed all week...maybe nobody would know that you were missing. Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Get the guys or girls around your place on Saturday for a lurve fest.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A man connected with the number 72 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. A CD will be released this week, a CD that you have been waiting a long time to see. You must never buy this CD. If you buy it, you will become more unpopular than you can possibly imagine. On Friday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. Saturday will be a very bad day for you. A very bad day indeed. You might find true love, you may win a large cash sum, and you may even get a promotion. These minor successes will in no way compensate for the badness of the bad thing that will happen to you though. Someone will swear at you this week. You will not be happy, in fact you will be livid. In these scenarios, physical retribution is only fair.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Travel this week will broaden the mind, but flatten the wallet. When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 9th January 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Put some distance between you and a rival. At least 40 feet, but no more than a mile. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. Watch out for someone saying 'no' to you this week.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

If you make an appointment on Tuesday then it will be cancelled, delayed or postponed. The trick will therefore be to make the appointment for a day that you can't make. You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Would you ever be so stupid to get drunk with a Scallop on a work night, and then go to one of those clubs that your mother warned you about? The answer to this question will be revealed on Wednesday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Why will the color purple be important to you this week? The answer to that question may only be revealed when you end up in a police station or supermarket on Monday. Remember the saying: you can squeeze the life out of a kitten, but a kitten can't squeeze the life out of you. You are not Meryl Streep, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Doris Day in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. Why is everyone so keen on cheese these days? You know that steering clear of the yellow stuff is the right thing to do. If a Barnacle, Oyster, or Mussel says anything to you at all this week, don't believe them.

The Slug July 26th

In Roman times, ancient mariners had a special word for people who are Slugs. That word translates from the original latin to 'eternal failure'. Your Slug-like nature will mean that you will suffer twice as much as normal this week when a rival colleague will attempt to literally rub salt into old wounds. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

You've set your sights high this week, but as the Chinese proverb warns us 'rain always dampens an egg buried in the ground'. A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Look yourself in the mirror on Saturday and say to yourself "I'm an Oyster, an Oyster, an Oyster!". If you don't say this, no-one else will.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Don't be surprised when an accidental slip on a calculator this week could lead to a diplomatic incident involving the French Navy. You will be attracted to someone in a position of power this week. Do not give in to temptation, make sure they get the cold shoulder. The best thing you can do to help a Slug in trouble this week is remind them what a failure they are and that you would help, only they will probably be in trouble again next week so why bother?

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Tell a loved one that you love them this week. Also tell someone you hate that you hate them. Life is all about balance. Why do people infuriate so much? Could it be because they are all idiots? Probably. Try relaxing on Sunday evening in the company of an Oyster. Just make sure you don't let them consume too much alcohol else they might leave you with an embarrassing stain to clear up.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 2nd January 2023

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. If you keep putting it off (and you know what I mean by 'it'), it will never get done. Sort it out this week once and for all. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

See a penny, pick it up, and all day long you'll have good luck...or will you??? A man connected with the number 93 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. When a Snail and an Octopus get together the results can be hard to predict. So take extra special care on Saturday when you will meet an Octopus in an uncomfortable situation (an industrial-strength stain remover might be required).

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Clouds are on the horizon. Storm clouds. Storm clouds that will bring rain, hail, thunder, and lightning. Run away. Why do Squids have that annoying habit of saying something at the most inopportune times. If you are speaking at any event this week where there is an opportunity to ask questions, then avoid fielding any such questions from a Squid.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. Life will be a little bit tough for you this week. Just a little bit though, sort of squidgy-tough rather than hard-tough.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Take an umbrella with you this week when you go to your 'special' appointment. It won't rain but there will be waterworks. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. Happiness. It's a happy week! Limpets, Limpets everywhere, but not a drop of love to spare. Well this might be the case for you on Friday when a rabid, potentially-drunk Limpet will cause plenty of trouble for you.

The Slug July 26th

You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. With such a tragic life, with an existence full of misery, you may think you are a suitable candidate for the Guinness World Record of 'Most miserable life'. Don't think about applying for this record however...you will be rejected. Do you remember that when you were young, that your parents said 'When you grow up, you have the potential to do anything you want to in life'? They were lying. You only have the potential to be a failure.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Wedding bells might be ringing this week, but alas these are very, very quiet wedding bells which have had their clappers lined with velvet. You will have to listen very carefully if you want to hear them. You will be troubled by two legs on Tuesday and four legs on Friday. Ever hear the joke about the Oyster and the Snail who lived next door to each other. They drove each other to drink. Then they drove each other to hard drugs. Then they became the best of friends and started playing Scrabble together on a regular basis. Let that be a lesson to you (if you live next door to any Snails).

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Be wise on Thursday, but timid on Friday. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! Hot fudge sauce will be your downfall this week, and the reason for this is that you will believe the foolish advice of a Scallop that you know. Believe me, hot fudge sauce is never the solution to problems in the bedroom.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

It is written that 'a drunken sailor is a happy sailor', yet it is also written that 'drinking leads to death'. Which one of these sayings do you most believe in? Numbers will prove problematic for you this week. It could be a birthday or other important date, or it could be the lottery. Step wisely when choosing any number. Turn up on time for a meeting with a Clam on Monday and experience the 'Clocktopus Effect' - a beneficial outcome that will have arisen because you were on time.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

They say that you should never comment on a woman's age. Maybe you should try to do it this week to see if that saying still holds true. If you are driving and you see someone who looks like Elvis Presley driving a pink car, then it is time to leave town immediately otherwise you will be associated with a very bad smell for many months. You're a Mussel, so that's good. But you know a Barnacle who resembles Roy Rogers a little too much for your liking, so that's not so good. Well that's life I guess, it's all about balance.