Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 24th February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

It may not make much sense now, but carry an opened umbrella with you on Wednesday (whatever the weather) and you will be thankful that you did. The next time that you play poker, you should bet everything you have whenever you see a two and fold whenever you see an ace. This might not actually help you that much but it will keep everybody else on their toes. This week, you should heed the old nautical expression 'See a Slug, hear a Slug, smell a Slug, hit a Slug'.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? A trip to the dry-cleaners could provide the impetus you have been looking for to kick-start your business plans. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Sunday.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. If you are not in the spotlight this week, then you bloody well should be.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

One of the following objects will potentially cause you to have a life-altering event this week: a red car, an unripe avocado, Tuesday's edition of your local newspaper, or a vibrating electronic device. Food may be important for you this week, so it might be preferable if you try eating it. You know a Squid who is in trouble this week. Time for a bit of Clam-support.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Why do you spend so much time waiting for other people to tell you how great you are. Cut out the middle man and start singing your own praises while looking in the mirror. Is there a door opening up in your life? If so then close it, or at most leave it only slightly ajar. Get together for a Scallop this week if you want to have a fun time that involves an activity that is not yet illegal in all countries.

The Slug July 26th

You know the old saying 'Don't worry, be happy'? Well you will worry, and you won't be happy. Such is the life of a Slug. This is going to be a very good week...not for you personally, but you can't have everything. This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Something about the number 41 will drive you crazy this week. Luckily, the impending failure of your recent investments on Friday will keep your mind occupied. Paperwork, paperwork, paperwork. The more you finish, the more just keeps piling up on your desk. The solution to your office stress is to buy a box of matches...the rest will become obvious. Invite a Squid over this week for some mollusk-on-mollusk action.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Avoid the number 79 if possible on Monday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. That stranger who you keep seeing in your neighborhood, the one who looks a bit like Tiger Woods, well you can rest easy because they're not Alfred Hitchcock at all.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

There are many things that you would like to try this week. But remember 'do or do not, there is no try'. This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Big developments will occur in the bedroom this week. Make sure your sheets are clean. Running away from things will not help problems this week. Neither will staying where you are. You will be asked to look after a Limpet this week. That may be a good thing but it may be a bad thing. Be especially careful on Tuesday when said Limpet might ask you to do something which could be considered illegal in many countries.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 17th February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. Time to remove the 'us' in fuss and put the 'me' in 'medicate'. This is the time to leap to the aid of a Scallop that you work with. They will not thank you for your actions, they may well come to despise you for what you do, but it still needs to be done.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A forthcoming trip is causing you much stress, Speak to your doctor for advice. An important financial decision could prove disastrous if you fail to properly understand the intricacies of global macro-economics. Enhance your chances of success by relying on the time-tested tradition of flipping a coin. Heads means 'Buy' and tails means 'Sell'. It is imperative that you find a roller coaster to ride on Friday. Your life needs some excitement, and if you want an added kick, don't wear the safety harness.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. A lively discussion with an old friend will end in one of two ways this week. Either you will resort to bare-knuckle fighting, or you will end up reciting poetry to them. Either way, onlookers will be greatly enthralled.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

If you smoke, then this is a good week to give up. If you don't smoke, then maybe this is a good week to try. If you spot a dead whale (or other cetacean) this week, then beware! This is an omen, an omen of death...or possibly a big sale at your local fish market. You are not James Dean, so don't try to act like them...unless you have a good lawyer of course.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. Tiredness will knock on your door this week, so be prepared to consume vast amounts of energy drinks. If you have to lie about your age, height, weight, or gender this week, then it's probably for the best.

The Slug July 26th

This week your colleagues will be trying to heed the words of the old nautical expression 'If you see a Slug, run for your lives'. A friend will come to you seek your advice on a sensitive subject this week. They will also come to deeply regret asking you about anything because your advice sucks. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. If the level of your confidence was a country, it would be Australia.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

Think about what you want, and what you need. Are they the same things? You work hard but seem to get no reward for your effort. Perhaps this week, you will get effort for your reward. On Wednesday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. If you hear just one more person swear within a 20-foot radius of you, then it is time to tear up the map and get out of this town.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

The current problems with your job are partially due to the monotony that surrounds you. Kick start your career by doing something to shock your colleagues and show them your inner beast. Forget what you have learned and instead remember only that which you have yet to learn. If you have never learned anything then you will have that much more to remember and will therefore will become a very wise mollusk indeed. There is a time and a place for everything. This week, that time will more often that not be 8:22 am.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 10th February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Sometimes it is good to try something new. Saturday will offer you the best chance that you will ever have to try something new that involves cheese. If you wear too much make-up on Wednesday, you could be in for trouble when someone close to you mistakes you for someone even closer to them. This might be the week where some vegetarian friends taunt you for not being a 'true' Mollusk. The best way of dealing with these people is to slip some goat blood into their coffee, and then taunt them for not being 'true' vegetarians.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

Confront your inner demons this week and arrange for an internal exorcism. This week will see you face many important questions. It is important that you answer those questions. This is certainly a week where if you see a Slug, then you should give them a punch on the chin.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

You can dance this week if you think that kicking up your heels will make you happier. By the way, it won't. When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. When a Slug comes calling at your door, asking for a little financial favor, tell them in no uncertain terms: "You are a poor excuse for a mollusk, and I would rather force-feed myself to a shark than lend you any money".

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Your week will become focused around @day, when the the number 51, the color orange and someone who has a connection to Dick Van Dyke will potentially change your life, or maybe just your bank balance. A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Hook up with a Squid this week in order to relieve those bedroom tensions. Try to avoid using tinned fruit though.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

If you ever wanted to place a bet on a big race, then this is the week. A horse whose name begins with the letter G will win big. People will tell you that life can have its ups and downs, but they never tell you to watch out for the sideways. If you have the time, try to track down a trustworthy Mussel that you know on Friday. Tell them a big secret and see how trustworthy they really are.

The Slug July 26th

Your friends talk about you behind your back. Are they pathetic...or are you? You need to go on a low-sodium diet to improve your health...pity this won't improve your looks though. A long lost family member will appear in your life once again this week. You will be overcome with emotion at meeting up with this person. That is until you find out that they have only tracked you down to ask you for money.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 45 if possible on Tuesday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Does it really count as adultery if you don't tell anyone?

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

The color pink will be very important to you this week. Especially on Friday, and when connected to the number 15, and if tomato juice is involved, then let's just say that it will be a day to remember. You think that someone is out to get you, you think that they want to see you squashed like a bug. You are wrong. They are wrong. Everyone is wrong. Eat anything you want this week, but avoid the kung po chicken at all costs.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

This is the week where you will wish that you could be as slippery as an eel in a mud-wrestling contest. Up for a challenge? Then remove all of the labels from any tins in your house. Meal times will then have an element of surprise and danger about them. Your map reading skills might just help you save a stranded puppy this week.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. If you have a pet llama, then you should try to avoid wearing red on Tuesday. This may seem an unreasonable request, but you really want the violent and bloody death of an innocent llama on your conscience? A casual comment by a Snail acquaintance of yours might make you think twice before making that important purchase this week. Don't worry. As long as they have it in red, things will turn out just fine.

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 3rd February 2025

The Barnacle December 2nd - February 19th

Try to look forward to the future this week, but still keep one eye looking over your shoulder as the past may catch you up and spit in your eye. You are being driven mad by driving. Don't get mad, get even. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.

The Snail February 20th - March 9th

A little rodent problem will cause you a major headache this week. Who knew that rats liked ice-cream? Something involving the color orange will be on your mind this week and you are not sure if you need a second opinion about what to do. The solution involves getting a second opinion from a friend as to whether you need to get a second opinion. Limpets are losers so avoid them this week.

The Limpet March 10th - May 1st

This week you might find yourself inconvenienced in an enclosed space with someone who looks remarkably like Paul McCartney. Does this matter? Only time will tell. Don't do things that you don't want to do, unless you do want to do the things that you think that you don't want to do. This is a good week to remember that old nautical expression 'You can make me walk the plank, but I'll drown on my own terms'.

The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd

Fish are a big thing in your life at the moment. Catching fish and eating fish are what you are all about. Eat well this week, but don't eat too little, and don't eat too much. Also avoid the wrong types of food and focus on the right types of food. You would rather stick a knife in your eye than disclose a less than important secret to your boss.

The Squid June 3rd - July 25th

Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Should you wear green on Saturday? No, but you'll do it anyway because you have no sense of fashion. On Tuesday night you will dream of being Norman Rockwell. You won't know why until the following @day@ when a chance meeting with an international patent attorney will shed much light on this mystery.

The Slug July 26th

Remember, things can go only get better...actually for you they can probably still get quite a bit worse. There will be good news on Wednesday this week. However, it will turn out to be very bad news by Friday. Is it possible for everyone you know to violently dislike you? Yes. It is.

The Oyster July 27th - August 19th

Avoid the number 69 if possible on Sunday. The reason for this is unclear, but as a wise sailor once said "I don't mind being swallowed by a whale...as long as I pass out the other end". Walk briskly this week, because the winds of opposition will try to slow you down. Break through the winds to achieve success, only by breaking wind will you find happiness. You will get romantically entangled with an Octopus this week. They will regret it, but the quantities of alcohol involved mean that you won't remember anything so don't worry too much about it.

The Scallop August 20th - October 1st

A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. Your watch is making you a prisoner to time. Destroy it. Break it. Smash it up. Be free from the restrictions of a time-delimited schedule...unless you have an important meeting this week. On Thursday just remind yourself that you are lucky to not have been born a Slug.

The Octopus October 1st - October 29th

A man connected with the number 28 will bring you joy and a woman connected with the number -4 will bring you great sorrow. Self-sufficiency is the name of the game for you this week. If you can avoid buying any food, then so much the better. This will be a week full of stress and angst for you. Try releasing that angst by finding a Slug that lives in your street. Wait for them to leave their home and then paint the words 'I am better than you' on their doors and windows. You will feel much better.

The Mussel October 30th - December 1st

Walk faster than the person in front of you if you want to get ahead this week...unless that person is carrying a knife. Wear a smile on this week because you cannot fail* and everything you do will turn out to be magical and rewarding (* = terms and conditions may apply). When you say meet me at 3:47 pm, you of course mean 'meet me at 3:47 pm'. So when a stupid Slug that you know turns up at 3:49 pm, you are entitled to walk away and never talk to them again.