Avoid cheesecake at all costs this week, except on Friday where a small slice of cheesecake will be tolerable (but not if it contains unripened fruit). In a parallel universe you were born as Abraham Lincoln. Don't get too excited, because you are still living in this universe. A collision with a Limpet will literally knock you off your feet this week. Don't spend much time arguing whose fault it was but instead try to reach a consensus that it was due to a stupid Slug that you know.
The Snail February 20th - March 9th
You will have an important meeting with your boss this week. Be careful, the wrong choice of shoes will prove disastrous to your career. Think of all the great things that might happen to you this week. They may never happen, but at least you're thinking about them. Avoid roller-coasters at all costs on Saturday.
The Limpet March 10th - May 1st
Would you accept a taxi ride if the driver was a monkey? Probably not. So be careful of simian chauffeurs this week. The question everyone will be asking this week is 'are you Henry A. Kissinger in disguise?'. No, I don't know what this means either. A Clam in your immediate family will cause trouble by revealing all about your dark secret involving the hamster.
The Clam May 2nd - June 2nd
It could be a good time this week to heed the warning 'Clams, fireworks, and alcohol do not mix well'. A famous sailor once remarked 'Life is like jumping overboard without knowing how to swim. You will drown. We all drown. Such is life'. Apply this philosophy to your sales presentation on Sunday this week. Get in a tussle with a Mussel and they will feel the slam of a Clam.
The Squid June 3rd - July 25th
The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Something will be hot this week. It could be you, it could be the weather, or it could be some mustard. The heat will be good, just remember to stay cool. Try applying for a passport using a false identity. It might not work, you might be arrested, but it might be fun trying.
The Slug July 26th
You've been thinking about having some minor cosmetic surgery done, but here's a word of warning...if you polish a turd, it's still a turd. Did you know that 'Slug' is very nearly an anagram of 'ugly'. This is quite fitting as your grim features are enough to put a dying dog off its food. Happiness. Joy. Financial success. Just another three things that you will not experience this week.
The Oyster July 27th - August 19th
There is a very old tradition that Sailors used to follow when leaving home before embarking on a long voyage. Urinate on three things that you love, and spit on three things that you hate. Only this will ensure a safe trip. Heed these words before undertaking any business travel this week. You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Is is really vanity if you pay to put an advert in a national newspaper to point out to everyone how beautiful you are?
The Scallop August 20th - October 1st
Hold a dinner party on Friday, but don't invite anyone...that will show them! This is a week that is much less about who you are, but much more about who you could be. You are a kitten but you want to be a tiger. Become the tiger! You might find it useful to spend some this week in the company of seagulls. Just make sure you wear appropriate headwear.
The Octopus October 1st - October 29th
Be careful not to overexert yourself in the kitchen this week. Remember, too many broths spoil the cook. If you were a vegetable, you'd probably be a tomato. Watch that you don't get squashed this week. When a Squid and an Octopus meet it's full-on tentacle action. So if you are out and about on Friday, then make sure you take enough moisturizer.
The Mussel October 30th - December 1st
When you walk this week, take only tiny steps. It may take you longer to get where you going, but Rome wasn't built in a day. Take a loved one on a surprise vacation this week and they will be very appreciative, especially if you take them overseas. Make some sweet love in the afternoon...about 3:43 pm.
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