Sunday, April 26, 2009

Molluskan horoscopes for week beginning 27th April 2009

December 2nd - February 19th

You may say to others that you like cats, but this will be the week where you will be tested on how much you love cats. Particularly when a certain cat could unlock the secret to the whereabouts of a long-lost family member. Others will spend this week trying to think outside the box. Show them your true genius by turning the box inside out and then thinking inside it. Beware the old saying: 'a squid in need is a squid indeed'. It might make no sense, but then again neither does the weather.

February 20th - March 9th

Your enemies are plotting against you. Ignore them, what's the worse that could happen? Try experiencing the quirkier side of life when you next read a book by only reading the odd-numbered pages. If you were a shrimp then you would be an outcast among your Mollusk friends. But you are no shrimp, you are a Snail, and don't you ever forget it!

March 10th - May 1st

A famous sailor once said "You can kiss a mermaid, but you might still die of scurvy"...these words will have special significance for you this week. A friend in need is a friend indeed...except when they cheat on you behind your back. Keep a careful eye out on those that call themselves your 'friends'. You once knew a Limpet who was vile, repugnant, and had a tendency to sweat heavily. Well bad news for you because that very same family member will be knocking on your door this week.

May 2nd - June 2nd

You will breathe more deeply this week when things that you want appear on the horizon, in a shimmering cloud. This is a good time to reflect on all the things that you are not. For example, you are not an elephant, nor are you an electric toaster. Remember, your lips are sealed.

June 3rd - July 25th

A ship needs a rudder, a ship needs a captain, and a ship needs appropriate health and safety information. Who is the captain of your ship, and who has their hand on the rudder? And most importantly, do you have a life-jacket? A foreign fish will play an exciting role in your life this week. When you and that lovable Oyster colleague of yours get together, then sparks will fly. Unfortunately, that might lead to a charge of arson this week, so best cancel that Tuesday night get-together.

July 26th

This week, you should be wary of the hapless idiot...especially when the idiot in question is you. You may have heard of the saying "Don't worry, be happy"...well, that doesn't apply to miserable idiots like you. You have nothing to offer anyone this week, so it's business as usual.

July 27th - August 19th

You need to get away from the stress that is currently crushing your spirit. A weekend in an isolation chamber will help you focus. Happy. Happy. Happy. Happy. Sad. Sad. Sad. Sad. Which one of these will you be this week? Take note of the old saying 'An Oyster and a Scallop is like quarter pounder and cheese...only without the cheese'.

August 20th - October 1st

A pretty young woman connected to the number 58 will be involved in a bizarre gardening accident this week. You may or may not know this woman. A white car will loom large in your life (or maybe just your rear-view mirror) on Thursday. Remember to wear your seat belt and try not to have any small animals in your car on that day. On Wednesday you might want to try playing Limpet limbo, but only if you know any sexually-charged Limpets. Otherwise stay at home with a good book.

October 1st - October 29th

You want what you cannot have. You have what you no longer want. Such is life. If there was ever one week in your life where you should eat cheese, this week is it. If you hear so much as one mention of the F-word from a friend or colleague, then forcefully wash their mouth out with soap (or battery acid).

October 30th - December 1st

The numbers 6 or 9 (or possibly 28) hold the key to happiness this week. Dietary choices may be important this week. Consider avoiding foods that are green or yellow in color. Remember, it is always better to arrive early. Arriving late is a sign of a drunken loser.

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